Mariette and I took a break from TUT, at my request…Thank you Mariette for your care and concern over the last three tough weeks. Thank you to my other friends who read my blog for all your love and support – Words will never be able to convey how much you all mean to me.
I have just read my last blog update – and my last statement is “Tomorrow is a bright new day – full of colur”…I remember exactly why I wrote those words and how I was feeling at the time…
My mom was diagnosed with Leukaemia in June of this year….We started doing TUT about two months later. Keeping up with the weekly commitments of TUT in between hospital visits and concern for my mom and dad and still trying to feel like an honest person by putting in a full day’s work and looking after my family, was at times incredibly difficult, but I will always be grateful that it gave me a creative outlet and actually helped me cope with everything that was gong on.
My mom kept an amazing positive outlook through all her chemo and hospital stints and isolation – and this rubbed off on us and indeed she made the journey a lot easier on all of us – That was just the way she was – She would do anything in her power to make life for her family and those she loved easier…and a lot of the time we did not even realise what or how she did it. From the beginning we encouraged each other, to take things one day at a time and to celebrate the good days – and there were lots of them – and not to worry about the bad days until they happened – and there were quite a few of those as well – but because we were taking it one step at a time, we did not waste any of the good days by worrying about bad days that may never happen….Hence the name of my blog Living-one-step-at-a-time…
Even my quotes on the blog – “I believe” and the one about “Life” linked back to my mom and the situation that we were in.
My mom always asked about TUT and what was our theme of the week and was just so very interested in it – just like she was in everything that any of us did. The kind of support that I have received from my parents, both when growing up and as an adult with my own family, is a blessing that a lot of people never have.
When I suggested our last theme – “No Colour” – that is exactly how I was feeling – my mom had been admitted to ICU with a lung infection – she was incredibly short of breath and needed oxygen and close monitoring…They had been treating her but the treatment was not working, so they decided that they needed to do a lung biopsy under anaesthetic, to figure out what was wrong so that they could treat her and make her all better – this had very little do with Leukaemia, in fact she was in remission, and everything to do with the chemo especially as after the biopsy they concluded that the she had had an allergic reaction to the chemo and that was attacking her lungs.
On the Thursday that I updated the blog with our “No Colour” theme – I had been to visit my mom with Mike and my youngest brother…and Mike had said to us that we needed to talk to her and involve her in our lives and be involved in hers…The week before that my mom had been particularly ill, had been on a ventilator and feeding tube and was quite heavily sedated – and I had really felt that she just needed to know that I was there and that she needed to just rest quietly – Mike pointed out in his usual wise and practical way that she had the other twenty two hours when we were not visiting to rest…So we spoke to her and she responded and it was strange because although she was so weak and fragile and looked so different lying in a hospital bed and I had never ever imagined that I would ever have to see my mom like that – she was still my wonderful loving special mom – showing more interest in us then in herself – and for the first time in two weeks, I felt that everything was going to be ok, and my mom would get better and go home and things would be the same as before – only different…So yes on Thursday night when I updated the blog, I felt that tomorrow would be a bright new day, full of colour.
Sadly, my mom was not meant to get better and things were not meant to be the same as before…My mom passed away in the early hours of Sunday 7th November, and things are really different now…But we will get through them and one day be able to remember my mom with less sadness and we will be able to treasure the amazing person that she was and recall with love the beautiful memories that she lived with us.
I have been able to take a lot of comfort from this little saying that someone sent to me.
The last five months have been the hardest that I have ever been through and in some ways I would not wish them on my worst enemy, but in many, many other ways, I am grateful.
I am most grateful for the special time with my mom, where we had made the time especially to be with her either visiting in hospital or the few times when she was at home – I have always been very close to my mom, but during this time we became even closer and I realised there was so much about her that I had always taken for granted – I will treasure these last five months for ever.
I know that when she passed away, she knew how much she was loved and she knew that we would miss her more then we would ever have believed, but she also knew that we would be ok and we would look after each other in her absence, trying to mould ourselves in her memory.
I love and miss you mom….
Lots of love
P.S. - We are hoping to be back to TUT this week...so check in and see what we have been up to...
